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Help with insert

Posted by Ofer El-hashahar on August 15, 2011 at 1:13pm

Hi All,

 

hope I can ask your assistance, with writing proofing my sales letter.

at this stage I am trying to market to retailers the range of lawn edgings that I provide. It is 4 groups of retailers:

''synthetic lawns suppliers'', Gravels/aggregate suppliers/ turf suppliers and few garden centres.

I built a list of few hunderds  personly contact details.

 

this '' letter will be used as insert in one trade magazin will be emailed and sent to these contacts'' in few versions but this is the main thing.

My plan is to print it this week, and currently a graphic designer is working on the graphic side.

 

I wrote it after reading few copywriting books so i am not sure myself how good it is -and what to improve- but your ideas may help a lot.

thank you for your time

 

Ofer

 

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Tags: edgings, lawn, trade
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Replies

  • Sally Bishton August 15, 2011 at 2:37pm
    Hi Ofer
    I have had a go at editing your sales letter and will send it to your other email account as an attached document. I would recommend using the same font for continuity throughout the letter and removing some of the customer reviews as there are rather a lot of them, even if all very positive!
  • Ofer El-hashahar August 15, 2011 at 6:31pm

    Many thanks Gaynor, sally did a briliant job,

    true it is the longer version, and all the rest of your points are spot on.

     

    Many thanks

    Ofer


     

  • Fenlandphil August 15, 2011 at 10:11pm

    I agree with Gaynor and Sally it is a little long, Gaynors point about the photo is good.

    I would like to see Sallys' rewrite before I comment further.

  • Ofer El-hashahar August 16, 2011 at 7:41pm

    Nearly finished version here,

    got to fix few images etc but should be ready tomorrow

     

    P.S.

    After having a bit of tough morning yesterday, when I got a dismiss letter from the fire brigade- based on political  decision- not surprised there few racist that tried to kick me out there for a while. As the Mrs and daughters on holiday - that letter felt a bit sh..t but few chats with people here, felt so much better.

    (I had 7 days to appeal - 6 now- but no need- risking your life for 280.00 a month and getting such a way to get rid of people- sad. But I think it is time to concentrate on my business- so just for good)

     

     

  • Sally Bishton August 16, 2011 at 8:07pm

    Hi Ofer- Flyer is looking good, but could do with a few small changes. Gaynor has a point (ouch) about mentioning the harm metal edgings could do to pets etc, I'd leave that out if I were  you and concentrate on the positive. I don't mind having another look at the text, can I let you know tomorrow?

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