Ive drafted an email to new commercial clients any opinions please.. too long, short, grammar, spelling, other advice. Thanks
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Dear (Persons name)
Thank you for allowing me to send this introduction email to yourself, and I understand how important your clients property and grounds are to you and your organisation.
Please accept my sincere apologies if this emails is not best suited to yourself, if this is the case could you kindly forward it to your maintenance / administration team or the correct person, it would be much appreciated.
I read on your website how the challenges that your company face when hiring grounds contractors like ourselves, I was hoping that we could connect when you have 3 minutes to chat about the specific sites that your organisation are looking to fill and explore how I can help you with that challenge.
The Lawn Ranger
We are a grounds maintenance company based in Brentwood, Essex. We have been operating for 4-5 years, covering commercial and domestic sites around Essex, London and the home counties.
We would love to talk to your about your grounds needs. How does next week sound with regard to meeting and introducing the Lawn Ranger in more detail.
A brief spectrum of our works are as follows - this list is not exhaustive, however it covers some of the more popular tasks we specialise in:-
* Regular garden and grounds maintenance - keeping your gardens and grounds looking great all year round with our comprehensive schedule of works tailored to your exact needs.
* Lawn care - including cuttings, scarfing, seeding and repair.
* Bed maintenance - including re planting, weeding and composting.
* Hedge work - completing hedge work from the tallest Beech to the widest Laylandi hedge, we also offer hedge reduction, trimming and removal.
* Tree Surgery - Light pruning, Felling, Thinning, Reduction and Stump removal.
* Environmental controls - offering litter picking, waste removal, graffiti removal, drain cleaning and leaf clearance.
* Weed control – controlling all types of weeds throughout the year, including Japanese Knotweed and all other invasive weeds.
* One off tidy-ups/blitz work – offering a fast and effective tidy-up service that will immediately improve neglected sites of all sizes.
* Fence - New erecting of fence work or repair of broken or defective fence panels or sections.
Whether your site is a school, business park, industrial estate, housing association, retail park, hospital, commercial or residential block, we have the experience to help your needs.
We can be contacted on the following details
(This has been removed for this post only )
I look forward to arranging a meeting to discuss any of the above in further detail.
Kind Regards
On behalf of the The Lawn Ranger
A COPY OF MY FLYER IS HERE, BUT IT HASN'T COME OUT ON HERE.
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Replies
First impression (and that is the only chance you will get to impress a potential client) is that the introduction is too long and a bit grovelling, with a good number of punctuation errors and that is about as far as many will go. I would keep the introduction shorter, the phrase "how does next week sound", sounds a bit pushy to me.
Far more effective to keep it short and to include examples of the "schools, business parks, industrial estates etc" that you already have in your portfolio of current work.
I hope that doesn't sound too negative, but I know that most of these enquiries will end up in the bin with only a quick scan of the first few lines, so they need to be right.
Colin,
Really appreciate your time to reply. I will make a few amendments before tomorrow. ( My next huge sales - Telesales - email hit - day 4!, and my skin is growing thicker! Thank you )
Thanks again
Andrew
Andrew,
I have just searched The Lawn Ranger and its safe to say you were no where in my first page. I can't see a website or Facebook for you! If a potential client was to read all of your email and consider you they will google you. If they don't see anything on the first page I highly doubt they will keep looking.
No website as yet, but yes to Facebook, maybe you didn't look hard enough. Website is one of my priorities in the coming months
+1.
If you're not immediately obvious, people rarely search for you. It is reckoned the internet search attention span has dropped from 12 seconds in 2004 to 8 seconds on 2013.
I guess that's the time you have to grab people and find you..?
when you say search you , do you mean key words ie they dont get past the page of results?
what did you google to try to find him?
Here's (perhaps) a little 'acid test'.
I read this post, didn't recognize the original posters business - as no website, I couldn't look them up on their website for more details - not a PRO member here, so no details on their profile either.
AH - I saw they are on Facebook - so I'll look there I thought - so I typed ' The Lawn Ranger' into the subject bar - not in the top 10 (only know as I was looking for a familiar logo etc), so I hit more results, scrolled through a lot of a list (mainly American) and clicked on several that turned out to be wrong - eventually found the CORRECT business 45 'hits' down the list....
Took me nearly 5 minutes to find the correct business, KNOWING what I was looking for.
To quote Gary RK -
"If you're not immediately obvious, people rarely search for you. It is reckoned the internet search attention span has dropped from 12 seconds in 2004 to 8 seconds on 2013.
I guess that's the time you have to grab people and find you..?"
I must admit, if I am searching on Google or otherwise for details about a business, if I can't find the information I need quickly, clearly and efficiently, I look for another business in the same sector.
Another thing to bear in mind - many corporate businesses in America and the UK have in the past 'blocked' Facebook on their internal computer networks to prevent employees using it instead of working - perhaps its not the ideal choice as a sole advertising media?
Hi. I think the first paragraph needs totally rewriting. Have you got a friend who could look it over for you and get the punctuation sorted?
The following sentence makes no sense at all..'I read on your website how the challenges that your company face when hiring grounds contractors like ourselves,'
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