SERIOUS fauna....

We are very slowly adjusting to the flora and fauna of the south..... as far as the flora goes, what's really great is that plants grow like, well, they grow like, .... (I can't say 'weeds', can I??)..... okay, they grow exponentially like the world's disaffectedness with the Doha trade rounds... zzzzzzzz ..... nah, they just grow like weeds when all is said and done... and I'm fairly happy about that - I'll perhaps rethink the amount of space I leave between perennials (read: the amount of space I have the long-suffering Fereday leave between perennials... after all, why marry a gardener and do any digging yourself).... but basically, I am fairly happy to have monster mint and steroidal geraniums.... So flora, no issues....Fauna, however, is proving considerably more 'interesting'..... we have some very nice bumble and honey bees making regular passes... a reasonable collection of hover flies and cabbage whites (some quite large cabbage whites, actually)... a rather odd fly which appears to be dressed up as a wasp or a bee, but it would really fool no one.... it actually looks like something developed by a couple of PhD robotics students, quite shiny and looking as though constructed of plastic.... but all this is a bit of a side show to the main event....Fereday and I normally nip outside for a cigarette before going up to bed... the solar powered lights give off a cold, blue-white light, which reflects off the white flowers in the courtyard garden, but we only have a few, so it's not exactly runway 3 at Heathrow in terms of lighting power..... and so, sat outside, listening to a what sounds like water slowly dripping somewhere further out in the dark.... and it's one of those nice mellow moments of peace to enjoy while your inner sensors are rushing to pull up their 18 hole, steel toe cap Doc Martens in order to kick in the emergency glass over the 'freak out now' button..... that "plink, plink" is not, in fact, water dripping somewhere in the distance.... it is the tiny 'footfall' ('feetfall'???) of something very large and black which is navigating its way across the top of the wooden fence in a somewhat unsteady, almost drunken, manner ..... cue long jump followed by hurdle over nearest and dearest to spot farthest from hideous beastie and closest to door to house, ungraciously pushing past Fereday and practically throwing him to the creature...... At this point, I am convinced the monster is about 5 inches long.... Fereday (typical bloke) is sneaking up on it for a closer look...Heart palpitations subsiding, I become slightly more rational,.... and am now convinced this thing is an enormous cockroach.... and I want to scream again...... Fereday offers to go into the house and get the electrified tennis racket he has bought for swatting flies (highly inefficient, but fun).... But I decide that it's more likely to burn down the old wooden fence, so I decline, and instead opt for shutting all the windows and doors up tight and checking the web.... which presents far too many images of enormous cockroaches.... Fereday does the reassuring bit on it not having long deely-boppers on its head, and that it is therefore disqualified from 'cockroachness' and about it really being ONLY about 2 inches long (which is still absolutely HUGE!!!!!!!).... At this point, I trust him about as much as a 5 year old kid trusts another 5 year old kid who has just thrown a worm..... but eventually, after searches for "Large beetles"..... then "Large beetles UK" (which resulted in much less scary images)... we identified the 'fauna' as a female stag beetle... and, in the end, I am rather relieved we didn't taser it with the tennis racket thing.....The next day, it is wobbling around down in the courtyard,.... very slow, very ugly, and very pre-historic (and still. I think, slightly intoxicated on something).... eventually after it attempts to meander over a dead leaf, but ends up upside down under said leaf, Fereday decides we've had a bit too much nature and transports the beastie on the end of a shovel up to the back of the garden..... where we honestly hope it is merrily doing whatever it is stag (doe?) beetles do with their days.... Like meandering away from the house.... perhaps humming a little tune to itself.....I'm still listening out for the 'plink plink' of tiny footsteps on an evening..... I'm worried she may have a boyfriend in the area....

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