Young People Today - Family Life - LJN Blog Posts

One of the earliest influences for many children is the family. Family underwent major changes in the second half of the 20th century, and this has had a huge impact on childhood.Extended families offered a great deal of support to children and their parents. This has been compounded by changes in community life, especially in larger cities.A child doing something wrong was more aware that their actions were likely to be seen by someone knowing who they were and one or more members of their family. A stern telling off, or warning from an aunt, uncle or grandparents was just as effective as being punished by your parents. A warning that next time they will tell your parents allowed young people to push barriers and learn the consequences without necessarily receiving the punishment. In this way young people often learned to moderate their own behaviour.Today family units are much more diverse, single parents, step parents and even same sex parents. With these come different dynamics and challenges in raising children. Nor is there the support in the community that there once was.Without doubt one of the biggest challenges has been the rise in young single parents, often unsupported by family. The particular problems around this group has been exasperated with each generation. While it is easy to sit in judgement and blame these single parents as a society we have failed as well.Poor education, diet, life opportunities and poverty add to the issues, add with immaturity and poor parenting skills it is not hard to understand why children from this particular subsection are more likely to cause problems. Mothers are usually in conflict with school, parents and other figures of authority, and these are carried into parenthood. Unrealistic expectations, and a strong misplaced confidence often associated with youth can add to the conflict their offspring will experience in early childhood in particular.External pressures can add to the problems rather than help to alleviate them. The 60’s saw the term ‘latch key kids’ become part of the vocabulary. The problems of young people coming home to an empty house and getting into trouble because of the lack of parental influence due to work. Today it seems to depend who is in favour as to whether unemployed single mother, usually, or if it is selfish single parent going to work which is the main cause of problems.We are failing generations of young people, who do not know how to cook, basic understanding of good nutrition or value for money. Yet a child’s diet has been shown to make huge differences in their performance and abilities, but especially in terms of being able to concentrate and behave. Yet we have young people choosing to go and get something with chips rather than eat school dinners one day and expected to know how to nutritionally feed very young children shortly afterwards.One reason I feel this has been allowed to continue is due to the myth better known as ‘common sense’. ‘Common sense’ is often used to suggest that we possess innate knowledge that is common to all people. That by instinct we know what is ‘right and wrong’. Ignoring that right and wrong are not fixed constants, but have varied a great deal depending on time in history, society, or even social class within that society.So what can be common sense to one group can be exactly the opposite to another within the same society. A good example is if a child is playing up in a public place and screaming and crying it is common sense to discipline them and give them a smack. To another group looking at a child who is screaming and crying it is common sense that if smack them you are not going to stop them from screaming and crying.One final note on common sense, because parenting is often seen as using this mythical common sense parents often fail to see how they are failing their children, or put off seeking help when it is needed. What is often referred to common sense are skills and knowledge we have learned or social mores and values which may not apply to all groups.One of the biggest changes I have observed is that many parents and families have lost direction where discipline is concerned. There are various reasons for this, but I believe the one thing that has done the most damage is the argument between smacking and not smacking.I was raised with physical discipline and do not believe it has done me any harm. I have raised my daughter without physical discipline and I believe she is a much better person for it. In between I had some wonderful role models on how to raise children without using physical discipline. The point being was I was able to learn new skills and was exposed to new ideas and able to see how they worked in practice.Today families are pressured into raising their children without physical discipline and without the tools and knowledge to do this successfully. Often lacking the self discipline required to do this properly. This can often be seen on parenting forums, ‘I have tried every trick in the book and nothing works’ is a clear indication that there is a lack of continuity and self discipline to see through the early stages when children are naturally going to resist new attempts at disciplining them.There are also hidden dangers. I have seen parents genuinely wanting to raise their children without physical discipline, and then resort to lashing out through pure frustration. I have also seen parents who think this means there is no discipline, to the extent where I have seen a boy hit a girl with a stick across the head and the mothers response was simply ‘don’t do that’ with no consequences for the boy.Often parents like this will look for excuses for their child’s behaviour who is not ‘bad’. Identifying triggers can be important but not as excuses but by helping the child to find other ways of dealing with these issues. I am often amused at parents who stand outside school waiting for their children and complaining how uncontrollable their Johnny is at home, but expect a teacher with up to 30 other children to know how to cope. Then, rather than supporting the teacher/school, will support their child’s behaviour, enforcing it.Parenting in some sections of our society is in crises. The rest of society can look down their noses and blame parents – after all it is mainly common sense stuff. Or we accept that family life in the UK has drastically changed and we do need to do something about it.This means putting child development and parenting skills back onto the curriculum, and the same with Home Economics – teaching our children how to cook, budget, etc. We need to move parenting classes away from something given to bad parents to something which is more mainstream. As common as prenatal and post natal classes. I am also a strong advocate that men should get separate classes.One of the biggest dangers for children with the breakdown in extended families and the social changes within our society is that families can easily become isolated and support is often found through like minded people. It does mean that parents with poor parenting skills are less likely to be exposed to good role models. One of the most likely effects of the current political dogma for social mobility is that the most vulnerable will become more isolated. This does not bode well for dysfunctional families and their children, which I will not even try to tackle, except to say issues can be very complex and no single remedy, or disjointed remedies are ever going to be able to tackle.I want to finish this post by looking at the role of grandparents. It is something that has fascinated me for a long time, because I have seen people who have made poor parents but fantastic grandparents. I find this particularly sad because parents will often base decisions on how much their children will see grandparents based on their conceptions of their own childhood.As parents we often have a wide range of pressures that we rightly protect our children from. Things happen and we make choices that often impact on children and they have no idea of why. Family life in itself can be stressful in itself, and as humans we are subject to its frailties and make mistakes.By the time most people become grandparents they are at a very different point in their lives. Life is more steady, careers developed, etc. More importantly they are not the primary carers, and therefore not caught up on the day to day care and discipline.My father amazed me at the patience and gentleness he showed our daughter, and often thought how great it would have been if he could have been more like that when I was growing up. The only time I have felt sorry for him was when we were discussing Stacey. In a rare moment he let his guard down and confessed he was jealous of my relationship with my daughter, because he could never have that as we were growing up.It would have been easy for me to blame him for that, but the truth is he was of a different generation which had very different and specific expectations of men and women in raising children. It also made me appreciate that my education and role models allowed me to take a very different approach to being a father.

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