People tell me I am still young... but I don't feel it.
Last year was brutal on a personal level, the year before was bad too and 2011 I had hoped would be an improvement, things would be simpler. It has been far from that.
It is of course inevitable that personal events have a consequence on business matters, and my case is no different. This creates a great deal of upfront stress. An eternal buzz of adrenaline. Churning bowels. Twitching eye.
Then of course there is all the day-to-day stress associated with building gardens in this part of the world: the difficult customers, employing staff, dealing with the ubiquitously brusk 'subbies', the hit-and-miss suppliers, the EFFING weather, the delays caused by weather, the mess caused by the weather, tools breaking down, the last minute changes to drawings when we discover an incorrect measurement...and so on. You know the script.
(I am normally quite defensive of where I come from and jokes about the weather here can often get my back up - as if people aren't looking past that...it is a truly beautiful part of these islands and the people are simply magnificent in my view. But yes, you're right; the weather is awful. We see a blue moon more often than we see the sun and no trip to the beach can be sensible without a North Face jacket.)
Then the paperwork...
And then the normal stuff, stressful in its own right, in its on way...a background stress, almost imperceptible but positively tangible when your resolve hits someunexpected but inevitable turbulence: the family, the bills, pregnancies, elderly relatives, rising living costs, lunar house prices, how the kids are getting on at school (are they making friends, are they making progress, are they being quiet at tea-time or is that just us?)...and so on. You know the script.
A few weeks ago I bottled it. Breakdown. Meltdown even. Too much. No chance.
I want(ed) to give the whole thing up. Not in a rope sense (although these dark thoughts somehow oblige themselves as an option despite how silly they seem); no, more in a bin sense. Bin the business. EFF it. WTF am I doing it for? Why am I constantly grumpy, frequently angry and drinking too much? Why am I fighting with my wife (my soul-mate) almost daily? Why is my 5 year old daughter sometimes so reticent to ask me a question that she often won't bother because I either don't acknowledge her standing beside me staring at the side of my face, or I rebuke her for interrupting my work (my life)? Well, what for?
Ah yeah that's right. Money. To be my own boss. It's great being your own boss.
In Glasgow we have a knack for sarcasm that is perfectly represented in the succinct yet utterly misleading double positive phrase "Aye, right".
And howcome I'm skint every winter? Homemade Xmas presents again.
No summer holiday because work is seasonal, no winter holiday because summer didn't show up with the readies (£s).
Actually being my own boss hasn't been so hot. Perhaps it is because I am not my own boss (is anybody really?), in fact my clients are my boss(es) and they are very demanding.
So all of this builds up and I get to the point where my sole goal for the day is to get to bed-time again. Sleep is my only refuge. Drink quenches frustration and quickens the approach of sleep.
Bad news. Sad. Sounds pathetic actually writing it down but there you are; it probably is pathetic. I'm not looking for sympathy though - I've had a few doses of that and to be honest I am entirely uncomfortable with it...it actually makes me feel worse. I am a capable, intelligent 28 year old man. Why can I not cope?
Bin the business: study architecture (or sociology - my other passion). Work for somebody else. Be creative and be rewarded in a creative and rewarding field.
I'm probably not a businessman. I'm definitely not a businessman. And I'm probably not a great boss.
But then: in the recession, do I really have an alternative? Not really. I am obliged therefore to carry on...against my will.
I'm not alone in this position: I know that for a fact.
I love design and being creative. I get a proper buzz (a good one) from meeting clients for the first time. I become an energy generator. They get enthusiastic because I become animated, jumping about their garden, speaking in ideals, how good it could be... I can see it already - and they can see that I can see it. The design process is a joy, a real joy: collaborating and interacting with clients to produce a vision of a space that will truly improve their lifestyle and their visual environment. Clients get onboard and get excited - and so they should, it's their garden! Porn surfing for me is sailing through architecture and design sites soaking up inspiration and considering new ideas and principles.
This is the only thing that has kept me upright until now.
I am still recovering from a breakdown and trying to figure out what I will do. The parable of the Mexican fisherman (previously posted on the forum a few times I believe) is an excellent one. I read 4 Hour Work Week by Tim Ferris recently and this has changed my approach to life and work. Work to live: not the other way round. Simplify.
Have any of the other LJNers had similar experiences - have you any insights to share, any tips for de-stressing, or for simplifying things?
Please share :)
Comments
I echo everything Gaynor has said: this is a very brave post and is testament to how you must feel, Nicky. It's really important you find someone to talk to about how you feel, make sure you have at least two alchohol free days a week, and hug your kids.
Work wise, I don't know what to say: it's a tough recession and maybe the simplest solution is to find an additional source of income but I understand how difficult that may be: a part time job seems impossible if you are working every hour. I hate to say it, but binning the business, if only temporarily, may have to be an option if you feel this bad. Or maybe you could find someone with whom you could merge and share the load?
Nicky,
A very brave post from a top guy, we wish you well.
You have hopefully found out by posting this, that you have many more friends backing you than you ever thought.
I have been to some of the dark places that you mention, and some darker. In these times I learnt that you have just one life, so try to live it to get all that you can from it. In essence, play by your rules, and not their's.
You can find our telephone number, and we would be more than happy to talk and listen, should you need to.
28 years old, so read 48 years old and made it the other side with much help from others.
Take care.
Steve
wow thats one hell of a blog posts and certainly written from the heart and I too respect you for writing and posting it as it must of took a lot of courage
from time to time we all go through stages in our lives where things are not running smoothly for what ever reason they may be but you have to stay strong, focused, and above all believe in yourself
i find these videos are inspirational and every now and then I will watch one again
When you don't give up..You cannot fail
Never Give Up in Life
The Don't Quit Poem
its not for anyone including me to tell you how to run your life but the best advice I can offer is don't hide in a bottle, its not the way forward and is only short lived till the morning after, I'm sure you know this but i am just saying
take care and I wish you all the best
Mick
Hi Nicky
You don't want sympathy so can I just say thanks for posting so honestly, and also that I think you write really well - seriously. Have you ever thought of adding writing into the work/life mix in some way?
All the best, Rose
I'd like to reiterate what others have said too.
You have my greatest respect for having the courage to share your turmoil with other members. I hope too, that you feel a sense of relief for sharing your burden?
I'm sure that your experience is far from isolated and I hope you'll help others to talk about their own problems (even if it's through private channels).
I won't go into all the details now (although I'm happy to share) but in 2002, after 21 years of owning and running my business, I found myself in a difficult place which became the trigger to do something very positive and whilst life still has its hardships to this day, caused me and my family to go on an extraordinary journey which still continues now.
I would hazard a guess that over 95% of land-based SMEs suffer with the challenges you describe and despite the lure of the garden environment, the business environment - dealing with clients; dealing with cash flow; dealing with weather; dealing with employees - is as harsh as it gets.
I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing you recovery and closure and I hope the next phase of yours and your family's life will be a rewarding and fulfilling one.
Phil
Hi Nicky,
I've read the 4-Hour Work Week as well, and one from a few years back is the E-Myth Revisited http://www.e-myth.com/pub/htdocs/emr_ch1
You might have read it, but it looks at ways and means to focus on what you enjoy about your business, and techniques to handle the bits you don't.
I think I need to have another read of it soon!
Hi Nicky, It's a bit of a low time of year I think, the end of the summer, children return to school, a shift. It sounds very hard and you have never taken the easy way I can tell as you have persevered as you say through it all. I changed career when I was 28, not for ever though. Glasgow must be a great place to study design and architecture if you decide to do that. I bet your clients or bosses have no idea how much you have done and not had enough back. I do think anger is a good tool used in the right way. Perhaps you can look at what you are charging, get some advice, rate yourself more highly? I don't know, just suggestions. If you are not a good businessman or employer you are quite young so nobody expects you to know everything and you can become good at both I am sure. Perhaps it's practical help that's needed? Once on the dole myself in my early twenties the social refused my request for a hardship payment and I wrote to them a letter and I listed in the letter what money I was receiving and what it would stretch to, things like one loaf of bread and a cup of tea and a bus ride a day, you know the kind of thing. Young and angry I was. They gave me the hardship payment. I was fighting for myself and it sounds as if you are fighting for yourself and your family. I think on the network by writing, you will find people give you many answers and I am sure everyone respects you as I do for standing on your own two feet and for speaking out, just shout as loudly as you can and get some support.
Hi Nicky
Agree with Carol bad time of year. I also know how you feel with everything crowding in. We haven't had a good year garden wise either wise. My heart is not in it (not the other halfs) and I still don't know whether I will be doing it again next year. It's also been compounded by two bereavments the latest a sudden death of a close relative on Saturday. At the moment, all I can think about is trying to sort things out and offer comfort to her husband. Anyway, my problems aren't relevant to the situation but I do so empathise (not sympathise) with what you're going through. The snapping at and the churning stomach particularly. I hope the writing of everything has helped you.
All the best.
Thank you everybody for an emphatically reassuring response!
Testament to the power of the LJN I think - some great advice and lots of offers of help - I hope that anybody else reading that is in the same position as I have been feels they can depend upon the support offered here!
Nicky
Listen Up My friend ,
Time past and I hope you are getting better,
As you read it is all part of life- one day you are up and next you are down- you never know.
Life is just like E- stander ( Is that how spell it?)
Once you go out from hard situations - you are actually got something others may not have
the ability to survive but also the ability to understand others.
You said you are not a good business man- I can see some excellent qualities in you.
You are brave to be open and talk things out, you can see the problems and analyze it.
This trade is not easy but you will find non is. and we will always think that others got better job etc.
I read once that sensitive people are more intelligent - they use their senses better to understand others/things etc.
Some of the richest man started from nothing and failed first. So I am sure that you can find your way to improve things.
I had twice in life that I felt things are loosing control, in the first time - it looks funny business went back a bit when a partner that I had ( for the business) left... all the people that worked for me /with me and our van got stolen same week.
I was more scared than anything- but result was brilliant - I felt like gambling but results were unbelievable - I changed the business to the best part of it only, improved marketing and more and in fact did really well. Worked half the hours - same income- lots of satisfaction.
Second time, as most know was far harder- from being great at school you find that you cant even write a sentence, people shut the phone in your face... no job ... we lost all the money we had ( no benefit at all for the first year ... no friend ... no family and nothing to do) Many years of work gone- and I felt like a failure.
I went to the doctor at age 32- 6 ft of strong man- and cried like a baby- telling her that I just cant stop crying. My wife did not want me to take any tablets- I wondered if ending this life will be better.
Hard to believe but I manged to pass the fire brigade exams, we had a call at Friday night ... we got there... there were about 5 other fire engines and more than 30 people ( 02:00 am or so) ... a young man was driving so fast his car was flying through a wall into someones garden and went on fire.
Out of a sudden I was helping so much... all of these people working hard to try and save this person life... rescue him out of crushed -tiny car on fire. Life must worth a lot...
I was brought up on a say: if you save one soul it is like you save a whole world.
You see... Look forward for new opportunities... work had and smile.
You will get there I can tell you. the fact that you can tell that you are not happy is actually a good start as you can start change your life.
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