Confession: I'm now converted to 'lifestyle' garden centres

There is nothing quite so bottom-reddeningly shameful for the long-term, committed humbug traditionalist as finding that there is a point to the new and modern..... it's like being Prince Charles and discovering you actually appreciate the Gherkin or Tower 42... being Oz Clarke and finding you've just drunk and enjoyed a bottle of White Lightening.... but it happens - and usually because the traditional just drives you away... such is my 'Road to Damascus' moment with modern, 'lifestyle' garden centres.By 'lifestyle', I am differentiating between the proper, honest nursery which also sells gloves (handy, that!) and the temple to modern consumerism which stocks plants, garden furniture, garden statuary, gloves, sun shades, pseudo-ethnic nik-naks, and the entire range of ephemera produced by Sia, including the Christmas and Halloween ornaments (Halloween ornaments???!!! - it's just one day which has been imported from the States like Bill Bryson.... come on Brit folks, this is the grumpy country that threw loads of tea into a harbour because you taxed them without allowing them seats in Parliament.... you know "Taxation without representation" and "Hell no, we wanna vote!", etc.,... why are you importing their holidays and humourous writers???? Mind you, voter turnout is on the slide... maybe you've all got a reason to soak some PG Tips in the Thames.... it would be a statement ... and possibly a Guiness Book of World Records event....)Anyway, back to the business in hand.... Lifestyle Garden Centres.... I'm converted.... I want one beamed slap bang into the centre of Halifax... I want it right on my doorstep, coach park and all.... "Why?", you might ask... well, as luck would have it, I'm getting on in years....As never before, I find myself in need of those specifically female-orientated emoluments which you need to retain a young, fresh and vital visage (or, more correctly, to cover an old, haggard and tired one).... and I'm down to the very last thimble full of Estee Lauder green gak that my Mom sends me from the States... "No problem", I think, "I'll just nip into the shop and get some." BUT, it's not that easy.... there's a test... and the lady giving the test is mean, and her face doesn't move... at all, seriously... NOT AT ALL! She's like a really well made-up corpse - that speaks! Even her voice is strangely unhuman, like her vocal cords have been botoxed.... She asks if I have oily, dry or combination skin.... I don't know, there's certainly a difference between the kind of skin I have on my elbows and my knees and the kind which is on my face... does that mean I have combination skin? If it does, then doesn't EVERYONE in the world have combination skin? Why would anyone offer alternatives? Who wants oily skin? Or dry skin? Then, sensing that I'm floundering, I'm asked (by way of backwards snub) if I want something to 'mask the redness on my nasal area' - she thinks I have a red nose.... am I Santa Claus now???? Or Rudolph? Is she implying I have a drinking problem???? Weak-willed as ever, I feign an interrupting BlackBerry and escape before the web has closed....I try Boots, but noticing all the 'stuff' is behind a counter manned by another clone woman, I buy a bottle of water and scarper quick style.....There is only one salvation... the 'Lifestyle' garden centre... which sells cosmetics and creams.... on shelves... next to the jams and chutneys.... there's no one there to quiz you on your knowledge of epidemiology... you just pick it up and pay for it.... that's all, simple, unobtrusive and reasonably comfortable.... you just have to make sure that the jar you've selected is face cream and not jam... which seems a reasonably easy test.... and while there was a slight mix-up with some lemon curd, my skin did smell simply lovely for the day!

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