Always somebody worse off...

O'Reilly: Just remember, Mr. Fawlty, there's always somebody worse off than yourself.Basil Fawlty: Is there? Well I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh.And this sets the theme for my next whinge....At this time of year, Fereday is feeling fairly smug about himself and his job. He gets plenty of sunlight, has a good tan (healthy glow), the "sweater basketball" he carried around in the winter months is a dim and distant memory, the plants are no longer fighting him for the right to die, and even his straw hat looks fairly natty. His "springtime shuffle" has morphed into his "summertime strut". He is, in short (and in shorts), "the Double-OO F1 Hybrid" of gardening, licensed to spray.At this time of year, I could really hate him. And here's why... I offer you my average day....6:45am: the first blast of the BlackBerry alarm goes off... tinkly Carribean steel pan musack erupts from its tiny little carcass. I grope around the bedside table for the damn thing, and on finding it set it to stun... I have another 10 minutes of sleep.6:55am: it squawks again!7:00am: I shake off sleep and sit up.7:05am: the effort of sitting up has been too much, I lay back down and read the FT Alphaville blog on the BlackBerry with one ear open to the Today Programme on Radio 4. (I secretly lament John Prescott stepping down from Parliament - I miss his dulcet tones, subtle as a brick over the head, stumbling through an interview with John Humphreys.) If the FTSE is showing as up, it's usually a sign that it will be a b*gger of a day - there's only one way to go from up,.... and that's down!7:10am: having fired off 2 or 3 emails, I emerge from my pit and engage in "various personal hygiene activities" while drinking black tea and continuing to listen to the Today Programme. This usually results in a couple more emails to my team, pestering them to look out for announcements.by 9:00am, I've had my Special K breakfast, finished my cold cup of tea, and I'm on the road, walking into work - it takes me 15 minutes to get there. I smoke at least 2 cigs during the walk, and hit the office with a mindset like Attila the Hun on acid and a fixed smile worthy of a Stepford Wife just in case a big wig is lurking in the building.9:15 to 9:30: pleasantries while logging onto the computer. Pretend to be interested in the activities and scrapes of colleagues' children while hiding from the boss behind a pile of folders and paper which I construct on my desk every morning.9:30 to 9:32: massage face to relieve "frozen smile" after "eagerly looking forward to delivering on the challenge" which has been given to me for that day.9:32 - dig frantically in voluminous handbag (I don't know why I have such a big handbag) for £1.10 in exact change. My lovely Research Assistant has arrived at my desk with the coffee tray. She goes every morning for the entire team. I love her - she doesn't take offence that each and every morning I look at her like I've never seen her before and I don't know what she wants from me. It took me years to get glasses, and now that I have them, I still have the natural expression of a mole coming up into the sunlight.Between 9:32 and 5pm, I will:- draft a presentation and amend it at least 4 times following feedback from the boss;- "read" between 50 and 100 emails;- send some 10 emails which are "of substance", meaning they involve me writing more than just "FYI" at the top and forwarding (about 25);- read and complete "high level analysis" on at least two turgid documents and draft a missive (then redraft them according to feedback from the boss);- remember to ask both members of my team how they are and act like a paid-up member of the human race for 5 minutes;- smoke 8 cigs;- drink 2 cups of coffee, most of which will be cold;- edit and approve for release a daily newsletter which my team pulls together;- give my opinions on at least 3 papers (various topics) which other colleagues have prepared;- banter with the chaps on reception;- check on Fereday;- go out and get the ingredients for dinner;- keep an eye on the wider world through EU and UK websites, the BBC, and various others; and- invariably fail to get something right and get the "disappearing eyeballs" treatment from someone which taints the entire day, no matter what "wins" I've had.5:00 - 5:15: walk home (that's a total of 30 minutes of natural light in my day)5:15 - 7:00: act like a normal person, eat dinner7:00 - 10:00: do any homework / read any papers, take bath10:00: to bed, and Radio 4.On balance, I do love my job, but in the summer I miss the outdoors. In the winter, well, the office has central heating!!!

"Others have ID ed it.
I chop them off at ground level with secutears then spray a drop or two of Praxys on the wound... if it doesnt killt he first time, it will the 2nd or 3rd"

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