Wild Fereday hunting....

Finding Feredays...In response to the query on where you can get a Fereday, I offer the following guidance.There is no "Feredays-R-Us", I'm afraid, and they don't stock them at B&Q or Homebase.Feredays can usually be found in the wild. Cultivated ones may very rarely be found (and are usually only spotted very early in the morning in Wickes or Screwfix), so go for a wild one instead. The best hunting grounds are "post-festival" fields.... near to where the mushrooms are growing. If you have a time machine handy, then Glastonbury or the Phoenix Festival grounds circa 1997 were known for their excellent crops of these fellows.On first inspection (usually from a fair distance) the wild Fereday is not appealing. But perservere, it should be worth it.Here are some tips for the wild Fereday hunter....- it will be "dirt-caked" (or "face paint-caked", though larger varieties may be "cake-caked");- it will be low-growing, even "prostrate";- its fragrance will not be appealing when in the wild (it may also be giving off a low moan, depending on what it has imbibed);- foliage is akin to "dreadlocks" and its not for nothing that the common name is the "greater spotted hairy matted festival fool" (rather fun, that!);- its roots rest on the ground, rather than below, and resemble hobbit feet;- it will be reluctant to move from its position and attempting to drag it out will only lead to frustration, instead "undermine" it by digging round its position and beliefs, and removing the weeds that seem to choke it and hold it in place (often these weeds are of the "dodgy mate" or "guys from the band" variety - very sticky and unpleasant!!!); and- transporting it home in the car - you MUST cover the upholstery with a thick layer of newspaper and roll all the windows down!Once home, feed and water it. With plenty of sunlight, feeding, watering, and tending in a pleasant environment (i.e., broadband internet enabled, clean space), it should in the first season be amenable to training and begin growing in the right way. In the first season, provided that you have given it the right conditions, it should blossom with an interest in Italian cookery, photography, art, music, the theatre, flattery, your family and - most importantly - conversation.Seriously though, found mine in a bar!

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