The War Wounds Of A Garden Maintenance Soldier

After returning home once again in near darkness after yet another punishing days work on the battlefield.

I often wonder

A) Why I'm not built like Arnie and

B) How much longer can my body take this punishment?

I eat my second only ration of the day at around 10pm, watch some TV or catch up on the internet before retiring to bed in the early hours after my meal has had time to at least partly digest.

I wake the next morning in what should be a military hospital as I certainly feel as though a bomb has been dropped on my body.

With hands as stiff as two old door hinges and the now familiar sight of swollen chubby fingers that feel powerless to grasp or squeeze anything but a cup of coffee. Perhaps the 7 hours of non-stop hedge cutting yesterday is the cause, or perhaps I'm just getting old?

As the morning progresses I tend to my previous days war wounds, removing deeply embedded bramble thorns from various points of my anatomy. The day’s assault has only just started and already the plant kingdom has launched its latest bio-weapon onto my skin. The rash on my hand now itches with the intensity of psychological warfare and I call upon my medic to supply the front lines with some Eurax anti itching cream.
I cannot recall which plant inflicted such wounds in defence of the plant kingdom but the torture is taking effect. Perhaps it followed the aggressive assault from the nettle artillery or the penetrating thorns of the rose bombers.

I observe the rest of my wounds with morbid fascination as the surface of my forearms now resemble those of a manic self-harmer with cuts and troughs abound. A now perfect complement to the range of shrapnel injuries that adorn my weary legs. I attempt to stand straight but my lower back chooses to defy my orders to straighten up, keeping me craned like a man of much later years. I will stand to attention eventually but only with the help of Mrs Medic and her wonder pills.

I ease my sore and leadened feet into my boots as I prepare for another days battle. Word has it that today the plant kingdom are deploying Hawthorne in their first line of defence.
I fill my flask with my elixir of Tea; check my uniform to maintain at least the smallest appearance of good health. I enter my van tank and once again drive forward toward the frontline, never really knowing if I will survive the assault of the day.

But I still love being a soldier of the Green Army.

They can hack away my body but they can't take away my hedge cutters! :0)

...........................................................................................................................................

Am I the only one who wakes up feeling like a war victim?

Is your body coping with the rigours of Bio Warfare?

How do you protect yourself in the trenches?

Alan Neath said:

There should be a medal pinned to your chest, but i guess you already have too many sharp things stuck in your battle torn body to care !

Marc, i offer my genuine and first hand empathy and respect as a fellow Garden Maintenance Soldier, who returns each day with enthusiasm and determination to conquer the relentless invaders of manicured gardens across our green and pleasant land, despite the wear and tear of tired equipment and constant aches from a battered body the wrong side of 50, but still, like a bramble we come back for more !

Each day I put on my army surplus green fatigues and boots knowing that they were designed for the rigors of combat so much like the missions i face, hacking through waist high bramble, nettles and docks. My hands bear testimony to the effort and my very own nurse patiently attends my wounds each night, although i suspect she finds some kind of pleasure removing battle debris with a sharp in and tweezers, but i am grateful !

I am cheerful that the constant rain reduces my hay fever and the lack of sunshine prevents me experiencing exhaustion and allows me to endure a 10 hour day full frontal assult across any terraine in the face of an enemy that sprouts up with alarming speed no matter how much rain pours down.

Never in the field of human garden conflict, have so many, owed so much, to so few

With a raised stainless steel trowel, i salute you and all fellow garden maintenance soldiers, may your back be straight, your boots dry and your grip firm and steady !

cheers, Alan

Brilliant reply Alan and what a chuckle it brought to my war torn sense of humour lol.

Brilliant quote too "Never in the field of human garden conflict, have so many, owed so much, to so few "

I see that you have tackled 'No Mans Land' and finaly brought it into neutral territory lol

Great work too btw and I can only guess the full extent of your pains and strains after that onslaught.

Thanks for making my day, I salute you too Sir!

Replies

Jane Heath July 14, 2012 at 3:10pm

Brilliant! Love it! If you tire of being a soldier in the Green Army, perhaps you should try writing about it!
PRO

Alan Neath July 14, 2012 at 3:26pm

There should be a medal pinned to your chest, but i guess you already have too many sharp things stuck in your battle torn body to care !

Marc, i offer my genuine and first hand empathy and respect as a fellow Garden Maintenance Soldier, who returns each day with enthusiasm and determination to conquer the relentless invaders of manicured gardens across our green and pleasant land, despite the wear and tear of tired equipment and constant aches from a battered body the wrong side of 50, but still, like a bramble we come back for more !

Each day I put on my army surplus green fatigues and boots knowing that they were designed for the rigors of combat so much like the missions i face, hacking through waist high bramble, nettles and docks. My hands bear testimony to the effort and my very own nurse patiently attends my wounds each night, although i suspect she finds some kind of pleasure removing battle debris with a sharp in and tweezers, but i am grateful !

I am cheerful that the constant rain reduces my hay fever and the lack of sunshine prevents me experiencing exhaustion and allows me to endure a 10 hour day full frontal assult across any terraine in the face of an enemy that sprouts up with alarming speed no matter how much rain pours down.

Never in the field of human garden conflict, have so many, owed so much, to so few

With a raised stainless steel trowel, i salute you and all fellow garden maintenance soldiers, may your back be straight, your boots dry and your grip firm and steady !

cheers, Alan
PRO

Alan Neath July 14, 2012 at 3:53pm

Victory looks and feels good !
Chris Auld July 14, 2012 at 4:03pm

A, you need to consume more calories and supplement with high doses of anabolic steroids.

B, not much longer by the sound of it ;)
Dan Frazer Gardening July 14, 2012 at 4:53pm

On a serious note, you need to work fewer hours and cherry-pick the work you do or you'll not enjoy work for long and your body will start to crumble.

I try to avoid hard jobs such as garden clearances and big hedge cuts now. I have done my best to finish by 5pm each day but this season it's been more like 530-6. Next year I will sort this out and try to get home earlier, if it means staffing or finding another solution somehow.

Look after yourself - you only have one body, one pair of hands, one back, one pair of eyes, and one brain to keep you interested and focussed in this industry. Go too hard and you might end up looking for an office job one day.
PRO

Tom Aquaflora Landscapes July 14, 2012 at 6:02pm

Hi Marc,

Nice piece,

I can highly recommend Arnica for helping restore a battered and bruised body, I always keep Detol on hand too.

Hope you feel restored,

Tom.
andy @Doughty Garden Maintenance July 14, 2012 at 9:19pm

Great peice of writing Marc,

I can totally relate to that,
Pro-Cut July 14, 2012 at 11:24pm

Thank you for the advice Andy, I am using anti vibration gloves and all my equipment is pretty low vibration as it's Stihl but I will keep an eye on it.

Cedar Garden Services said:

By the sounds of it your hands are suffering from vibration levels and you need to watch that or else you will end up in trouble.
Pro-Cut July 14, 2012 at 11:25pm

Jane Heath said:

Brilliant! Love it! If you tire of being a soldier in the Green Army, perhaps you should try writing about it!

Lol thank you Jane but I hope there's still a lot more fight in me yet. :0)
Pro-Cut July 14, 2012 at 11:32pm

Alan Neath said:

There should be a medal pinned to your chest, but i guess you already have too many sharp things stuck in your battle torn body to care !

Marc, i offer my genuine and first hand empathy and respect as a fellow Garden Maintenance Soldier, who returns each day with enthusiasm and determination to conquer the relentless invaders of manicured gardens across our green and pleasant land, despite the wear and tear of tired equipment and constant aches from a battered body the wrong side of 50, but still, like a bramble we come back for more !

Each day I put on my army surplus green fatigues and boots knowing that they were designed for the rigors of combat so much like the missions i face, hacking through waist high bramble, nettles and docks. My hands bear testimony to the effort and my very own nurse patiently attends my wounds each night, although i suspect she finds some kind of pleasure removing battle debris with a sharp in and tweezers, but i am grateful !

I am cheerful that the constant rain reduces my hay fever and the lack of sunshine prevents me experiencing exhaustion and allows me to endure a 10 hour day full frontal assult across any terraine in the face of an enemy that sprouts up with alarming speed no matter how much rain pours down.

Never in the field of human garden conflict, have so many, owed so much, to so few

With a raised stainless steel trowel, i salute you and all fellow garden maintenance soldiers, may your back be straight, your boots dry and your grip firm and steady !

cheers, Alan

Brilliant reply Alan and what a chuckle it brought to my war torn sense of humour lol.

Brilliant quote too "Never in the field of human garden conflict, have so many, owed so much, to so few "

I see that you have tackled 'No Mans Land' and finaly brought it into neutral territory lol

Great work too btw and I can only guess the full extent of your pains and strains after that onslaught.

Thanks for making my day, I salute you too Sir!