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  dgeorgea February 3, 2009 at 11:09pm

  When she was younger our daughter went into the kitchen and asked mum what periods were.
  
  Mum obliged, thinking she had heard the term at school, and started explaining periods to her. After a couple of minutes our daughter was getting very distressed and so mum stopped explaining and asked where she had heard the word.
  
  'The man on the telly said we would have sunny periods tomorrow'
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  coxy84 February 5, 2009 at 9:16pm

  this is not a joke but quite funny, was on a job a while back and we were getting a mini digger in, it arrived and we spent a long time carefully getting it down the side of the house as we d been there for a while going backwards and forwards with this digger the woman came out of the house and with a completely straight face said, " you can take it through the house if you like....." we had to hold in our laughs like naughty school kids till she went inside. still laugh now thinking about manovuring it down the hall !
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  Andrew Fereday February 9, 2009 at 3:54pm

  This thing appeared on Facebook and seems to be doing the rounds. You're supposed to write 25 random things about yourself (facts, goals, achievements etc) and then tag 25 people who then do the same - a sort-of self-disclosure chain letter. Having resolved to be more mischievous this year, these are my responses. Cat read them and said I should post them up here for you to all giggle at:
  
  1. I haven't filled one of these litte thingies out since the first flush of excitement at having the internet and email in my own home (it was dial-up back in those days).
  2.So I have no idea why I'm filling this one out now.
  3.And I'll probably struggle to think of 25 things which are interesting enough, or at least not too embarrassing, to put up here.
  4.So again, I have no idea why filling this one out, only I have a different reason now.
  5. I have thought of something not too embarrassing, although it may not be very interesting.
  6. While I was the goalkeeper for the school U16 hockey team, we lost a match 11-2.
  7. That was the last match of hockey I ever played for the school.
  8. I'm not particularly fond of hockey anymore.
  9. I'm running out of things to put down here.
  10. So far, out of ten items on this list, I have probably only given you one actual fact from my life. That's quite an achievement isn't it?
  11. I am not very good at typing and thinking at the same time. That will probably explain the spelling mistakes in any of my emails or messages.
  12. I have an irrational fear of foreigners - this makes me literally xenophobic.
  13. I am an accomplished liar (see 12, above).
  14. I really am struggling to find anything else to write, and I don't think I know 25 people who will want to read this nonsense. Oooh, does that count as 2?
  15. That doesn't count as 2, no.
  16.I am a lazy creature by nature, so any housework which I do should be recognised as an enormous triumph.
  17. I'm going to have to stop making up silly stuff to fill out the rest of this list.
  18. It is one of my goals to stop making up silly stuff to fill out the rest of this list.
  19. I'm really not sure that number 19 on this list is a realistic goal.
  20. I was born in Dudley, which is a good thing as it was close to where my mum was at the time.
  21. I have nearly finished this list, and most of you will know no more about me than when you began reading.
  22.I have been randomly leaving a space between the numbers on this list and the beginning of the sentence. And none of you noticed did you?
  23.I have no words of wisdom for anyone. Ever. So don't ask.
  24. I dislike musicals.
  25. I especially dislike musicals about Nuns.
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  claudia de yong February 9, 2009 at 7:55pm

  Not a children's joke but a horticultural one that still makes me smile.
  
  A postam goes up to deliver a letter and knocks on the door.
  Lady opens.
  Postman says ' Excuse me madam, I couldn't help but notice and I had to say,I love the way you have draped your clitoris over the front porch'!
  
  Hope this doesn't offend ( clematis for those that don't get it!)
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  Phil Voice February 9, 2009 at 8:01pm

  It's a good job this isn't TGN Claudia - you would be banned, hung drawn and quartered ;-0))))
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  claudia de yong February 9, 2009 at 11:24pm

  Oh dear!
  Philip Voice said:

  It's a good job this isn't TGN Claudia - you would be banned, hung drawn and quartered ;-0))))
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  Helen Nock July 17, 2009 at 11:23am

  'Which Part Goes to Heaven First?'
  
  A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
  'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'
  
  Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
  
  'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
  
  Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first'
  
  
  'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
  
  Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
  
  The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
  
  'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
  
  Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night and Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh! God, I'm coming!'
  
  'If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'
  
  The Nun fainted.
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  Helen Nock July 24, 2009 at 11:45pm

  An old man living alone wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son & described his predicament:
  
  Dear Vincent,
  I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
  Love,
  Dad.
  
  A few days later he received a letter from his son.
  
  Dear Pop,
  Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried...
  Love,
  Vinnie.
  
  At 4 a.m. the next morning, the homicide squad arrived & dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man & left.
  
  That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.........................
  
  
  
  
  
  
  you guessed it!!!!
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  Lawncare-4u.co.uk December 24, 2009 at 7:26pm

  so funny.............
  
  Helen Nock said:

  'Which Part Goes to Heaven First?'
  
  A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
  'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'
  
  Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
  
  'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
  
  Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first'
  
  
  'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
  
  Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
  
  The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
  
  'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
  
  Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night and Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh! God, I'm coming!'
  
  'If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'
  
  The Nun fainted.